3 Years

Yep, this is another whining post about the adoption wait so if you aren't into it you have my permission to move on...

I've known for a while that the month of September would be a rough one for me. I feel like once I get through this month, I'll be okay. But for now, it's tough for a couple of reasons.

First, today marks 3 years since we sent our application to our agency and officially began the paperchase. 3 YEARS PEOPLE!!! This is just incomprehensible to me and beyond ridiculous in so many ways. Never in a million years would I guess that the adoption would take this long and be such a difficult and emotional process. When you start an adoption thinking that it will take about a year from start to finish and then find yourself without your child three years later, you start to question not only when but IF it will happen. It's just tough.

Second, Xander (our youngest) turns five in a couple of weeks. I'm sensitive to the fact that some waiting families have no children or have a youngest child who is much older than five-I really am. At the same time, for me this is huge. In my 13 years of parenthood, I've always thought that when your youngest child turns five, it marks a huge turning point in your life. If I meet a family with x number of children and the youngest is 5+, I assume that the family is done having children. (Keep in mind, I also thought that 30 was old at one point in my life. I'm not saying I'm right, just giving you some history here.) So, here I am facing the point in my life when I thought I'd be ecstatic about being able to do all of the things that you can't do when you have young children to care for (like read for pleasure, bathe regularly, etc.) I admit that looking forward to this day got me through some of the rough, sleep-deprived and up to my elbows in poop and vomit days of early motherhood. So, the thing that is hard to reconcile in my mind right now is that the coveted day is about to finally arrive and I don't want it. I just want my daughter-sleepless nights, poop, vomit and all.

When I meet with parents for post placement visits and ask them about the challenges they have faced since coming home with their children, I'm often told about how uncomfortable the parents feel when people they know well and people on the street tell them how lucky their child is to have them. They are often not sure about what to say in response. If I ever receive a comment like this once Meili is home, I'll remember the way I feel today and tell them that they are just plain wrong. The truth is that I need Meili much more than she needs me.